Perfection

A new world opened up for us when our Maddie was born. Our life is so much different than before and I am so glad of this. I see life now in an entirely different way... I have always tried to be "perfect". A perfect wife, perfect mom, have the perfect kids, etc, etc... It's one of many of my MAJOR flaws. But since January 2nd and finding out about Maddie's "not so perfect" heart, in fact, a majorly defected heart, life forever changed for me. Those months before her birth were excruciating. The wait, the worry, the uncertainty, the unknown was so difficult for me to bear. I had so many emotions and learned that life is not perfect and the one I'd dreamed of was not going to happen...a better one was in the making. Not my perfect plan but His perfect plan.

But until her unexpected arrival into this world (she was born 5 weeks early), I had a difficult time accepting this change in our life. I had the hardest time with the fact that my daughter, whom I dreamed about and wanted so badly, wasn't made perfect. The "perfect" family, now having my boys and finally a girl, wasn't how I'd envisioned it. That I, who strives so hard to be perfect and always do the right thing, was carrying a child that had a major problem. What did I do wrong? Why did God do this? How could He create a sweet, innocent child this way? What did I do to deserve this? Why would she have to live her life with only 1/2 a heart and have to endure so much? I asked this so many times. I questioned my faith, I questioned Him. I learned a bit about suffering. The perfect life I had dreamed of was no more- I had a daughter with a very serious health problem that would never be cured or fixed. Her future was and would always be uncertain, there would always be risks and obstacles and there was nothing I could do about it but accept it. I learned so much in those few months, especially that life changes quickly, it doesn't go as planned, and that we were given a tough hand. Hard to accept for a "perfect striving" person. But now experiencing all that I have and the new world that opened up for us, the "heart world," I have learned so much more about suffering, sacrifice and really living life to the fullest. LIFE is the furthest thing from perfect! Perfect doesn't exist in our eyes...but I have learned that God has made us perfect in His eyes. And Maddie's heart was created by a loving, awesome God. And that in itself is perfect.

I have read so many stories of other heart babies like Maddie. They share many similarities but they are all so different too...some are doing well and some really struggle. I have read too many stories lately of heart babies that have earned their wings. All of these children are single ventricle babies just like Maddie. Their hearts had enough and they gave a good fight. They fulfilled their purpose here on earth, even though it was untimely and in our eyes, not long enough. It is crushing and I truly ache for the mom's, heart moms like myself, who lost their sweet child and didn't get the time that I've been blessed with my daughter. A week ago, one of our little heart friends passed away. Her mom and I had emailed a few times as she anticipated the birth of her daughter. Baby Kaiya lived 2 weeks. She had the same 1st surgery as Maddie, was doing well, and it was a complete shock for me to read that she'd passed away. Their heartbreaking loss makes me realize just how lucky we've been. But one thing is true for all of these sweet babies...they have left a lasting impact in their short lives, have touched more hearts, and brought hope to this world. The blogs, websites and carepages I've read all have the same theme in common: GRATITUDE. As heart mom's, we are incredibly grateful for our "not so perfect" lives. We've sat by our child's bedside, helpless and afraid. Our baby's have had to endure and overcome so much and we know their struggle isn't over. But through this struggle, brings refinement...refinement for all of us. Through our heart child, we've grown. Maddie's taught us so much about what life really is about....and that's not perfection. We're so grateful to be chosen as her parents and we have a constant, daily reminder that life is so precious just by looking at our little sweet miracle: Maddie Grace.

A new life blossoms, and God smiles as His perfect plan begins again.