I'm having one of those days today. After visiting our cousin's brand-new, precious baby boy in the hospital yesterday, I'm feeling sad...because he was born with a CHD. He's doing very well and will hopefully come home soon. We pray he will not need surgery and the hole in his heart (VSD) will close on its own. We're thankful he's doing great and so are his parents. We love them and their worry is close to our hearts.
Being back in a NICU brought many memories back that I'd rather forget. I don't think I dealt with many of my emotions while at the hospital or really even after coming home with our precious baby girl. We had so much on our minds and didn't have time to really "go back" on what we'd just been through. There were hoops to still jump through with her, surgeries to be accomplished, weight to be gained, milestones to reach, and so I didn't want to think back. And life carried on.
So on a day like today, I've given myself permission for just a bit this morning to feel sorry for what I missed with her birth. Not being awake when she was born, getting to only spend 2 hours with her in her first 48 hours of life, holding her only a handful of times that first month of her life, not being able to nurse her because she'd get too tired, not being able to bond like I'd wanted to with our baby, being absent from our boys life, ages 4 and 2 at the time...they needed me and I needed them. Living in a hospital, not knowing how in the world this all can be done. All of this is not ideal when you have a baby and simply not fair but in our case, in Maddie's case, was necessary for her to live. For her to be with us now. And we did it.
I guess this is why we don't take anything for granted with her. Each day that Maddie wakes up, staggers into our room, sucking her thumb or like this morning, smacking a big wad of pink bubble gum, I'm so grateful. Yes, we've been through more than most young parents, but every second of worry, fear and sadness has been worth it. I'd do it all again and again and again to have her on this earth. This little girl is so worth it. She's here and this is what I will chose to focus on today, not what I lost. Because so much more has been gained in our lives because of our Maddie girl. We look at life differently...and this is the best part. We can only thank her for teaching us this.
7 comments:
Katie,
As your mother, reading this, I can't help but go back also. It's a place I'd rather not go, but through all of it, my gratitude can not be compared to anything. As your mother, watching you handle this, watching you mature, watching you grieve.....well, let's just say I'm so very proud of you........Knowing at the time, there was nothing I could do but watch, silently. My relationship with Christ Jesus gained a new meaning, and I'm grateful for that. Watching Maddie thrive in spite of her broken heart, again so grateful for that. Most of all knowing that my daughter has the strength and courage and faith to endure.....that is my biggest blessing, because, you see, without Maddie I would have never known that. I'm so very grateful for you and Maddie and I love you both so very much........Mama
Katie,
If anything, I've learned that this whole thing is a process and some of those "moment" just sneak up at the worst times. You are wise not to dwell on them. I've found that even though I don't want to, I must go through these emotions, but can't stay in the pits of dispare. I'm so glad that we got to meet there in that small room on the surgical floor. It's been a pleasure walking this road with you!
Angie
I love hearing your heart, friend. So unfair this road we walk...there isn't a good side to be on anyway you look at it. I just see Maddie's sweet face and am so happy that you have her. Having this blog world of CHD buddies has meant so much to me...watching these sweetheart girls grow and thrive brings so much joy to me. She is a gift to me and I know to you. Thank you for sharing...
A former co-worker of Scott's is expecting her first baby...a boy...and they just found out last week that he has HRHS. I know she'll treasure seeing Maddie in pictures, too.
All my love to you!
This is beautiful Katie, I don't think any of us heart mom's could have written it better. We all yearn to hold these precious girls at that time and smell their sweet smell. What we went through will give our girls stories of how to be strong and how to fight for someone you love so much.
Beautifully written echoing what every heart mom feels. There will be more of those moments. IT takes time to "unpack" all that weeks in ICU and surgeries meant. Quite an emotional toll!
But yes, not a moment has been taken for granted. Arent we blessed?!!!
Katie said like a true MOM!! I think you are an amazing young women. I admire your strength and grace. I truly believe that God has great plans for you and Maddie. Keep doing the great job you and Bryan are doing and love that little bug with all you have. She is a breath of fresh air. Love, Sheri Wyle
Very thoughtful blog
Post a Comment